Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

It has been almost six years since I lost my first pregnancy. The grief sent me wheeling into a depression that I still feel the effects of today. Yet, there are very few people who know (until now, I suppose) what I was going through. You don’t get bereavement days at work for pregnancy loss. It doesn’t come up in normal conversation (“oh hey, glad you got your car fixed, by the way I just had a miscarriage”). Then, if it does come out, people say stupid things like, “you are so young, you’ll have more.” As if more children magically make the pain go away. They don’t.
As I lit candles tonight for the Wave of Light, I was thankful for the first time for the loss and pain. I know that it sounds weird to be thankful for loss, but I realized that without knowing the pain of losing a child, I wouldn’t be the parent I am today. When I am up in the middle of the night with my kids, when they are constantly pulling me in 18 directions at once, when they won’t give me a moment’s rest…I think about how fragile life is. How they made it through complicated pregnancies and are healthy and whole and wonderful. How I am alive to share moments with them, good and otherwise. How I am blessed beyond measure to have two little people who love me and look up to me. I think that my perspective has made me a more relaxed, thoughtful mother than I would otherwise have been. You can’t sweat the small stuff when you know what the big stuff is. My heart goes out to all the families who know all too well what I am talking about.

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10 thoughts on “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

  1. Beautiful. I lost my first pregnancy at 5.5 weeks. To some, it seemed silly to be so upset. But it had taken 7 months for me to get pregnant, and I was devastated beyond words. Oh, and it happened at 4 am on the 2nd day of a new job. Fabulous. I was able to make up a lie about why I couldn’t go in that day (as I was stuck in the ER for 8 hours), but then I had to get out of bed the following day (and the day after that) and go into this new job and endure 8+ hours of training. It was horrid.

    When I got pregnant with my daughter, it totally changed things. The new job was stressful. So I quit. Nothing was going to get in the way of me having a healthy baby.

    So maybe that baby taught me something, after all?

    Just like you, the experience made me the mom I am today.

    xo

    • Thank you Evanthia! It has taken me a long time to get this far. I hope that one day we as a culture can become better at allowing grief. I feel like pregnancy loss is practically a taboo. Sorry about the totally unrelated rant on this comment response! 🙂

  2. I have known way too many people who have gone through this….sorry to have to add you to the list. Thank you for sharing it so eloquently though. You are right, “You can’t sweat the small stuff when you know what the big stuff is.”

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